NOVEMBER 1976

Polls

HIGH GEAR

Boring in Bed

and surveys are sexy toothpastes." Dorothy unanimously revealing that McStupp of Akron confessed straight people are ghastly that after 22 years of marriage bores in bed. Researchers are she hadn't seen her husband's discovering that most straight buttocks once! When her sex involves simple tenon-andhusband was asked if he had mortise mechanics. Random seen his wife's buttocks, he obstraights interviewed on the served, "Her ol' man had a team street displayed shocking of 'em, but he got rid of 'em naivete' in regard to fundamenwhen he sold the wagon." When tal sexual techniques. asked if he has seen his wife's "ass," he replied, "They sold that.with the wagon, too." When questioned as to what he thought of 69, Joe Farmer of Elyria commented, "Not as good as '72,"

For example, Maria Jellorelli of Alliance described fellatio as a pasta her mother made in the Old Country but for which the recipe has been lost. Stanley Dunnohowski of Cleveland thought KY was "one of them

8.

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K. 62.

STRAIGHT PEOPLE

Drunkards

All evidence points to the fact that straights are slothful drunkards. The overwhelming number of arrests for drunken driving or public drunkedness are straight. While gay bars are few, there is a straight bar on nearly every city block! Straights consume veritable oceans of alcohol yearly.

Straight favorites include: MD 20-20, "on the rocks," per Ripple

in a coffee cup with a cherry. Southern Comfort with red pop, homemade wine that is 50% acetone, Manischewitz "straight" or with Kool-Aid, Pick n' Pay brand beer and at weddings and "classy" affairs, Cold Duck in apertif glasses.

Straights do not hold liquor well and are constantly throwing up. This fact alone accounts for much of the world's starvation.

Horrible Dancers

If you have ever seen straight people trying to "blend in" at a gay disco by joining the crowd on the dance floor you know how comical and even tragic they can be. Straight are generally "out of touch" with contemporary dances and usually end up performing a clumsy combination of The Twist and Box-Step glaring out of time. Even a straight fox-trot looks more like a "tourist-trot."

If you have witnessed one of these pitiful spectacles in your bar or a disaster at a straightbar, you will want to donate to give straights dancing lessons. Send contributions to: D.A.F.F.I.E.S. (Dance Aid for Funny Incompetents Experiencing Shame).

Past Dark

High Gear: How did you stumble upon the name "Past Dark?" Past Dark: We originally con-

sidered alternatives such as "Past Water" and "Past Gas" but settled on "Past Dark" in de-

ference to the Biblical injunction "Thou shalt conceal thy lamp under a basket." Get it? "Basket" "Dark"

High Gear: Is it true that you never use the word "gay". in your publication?

Past Dark: Yes. Our magazine is a journal of entertainment. All of our topics and features are entertainment-oriented. We strive to please entertainment lovers, although we believe many straight lovers read "Past Dark" as well.

High Gear: How do you feel about "Entertainal intercourse?"

Past Dark: "I like the idea of being entered, but I can't stand the tain."

Suicide

Straights do themselves in in droves! Bogged down with enormous families, few straight people have time to fulfill themselves or enjoy life. They arrive at male and female menopause feeling empty and useless. Having spent countless week-

ends with their tribes watching

Friday and Saturday night TV,

they are usually left friendless and stranded among jealous neighbors, resentful children, nagging relatives and piles of unwanted Tupperware.

Few of us are aware of the real magnitude of straight Isuicide because heterosexuals spend most of their lives planning to spin off the merry-goround and in doing so fool the insurance company.

Gays shopping downtown beneath tall buildings should beware of falling straights. Also, bars located in the Flats under the Detroit-Superior Bridge should erect protective netting to prevent straights from falling through their roofs!

RH.